Cancun & Cruise

Cancun:



Day 16 continued:


We had a brief 2 hour stop over in Mexico City on our way to Cancun. Let me paint the picture for you...An airport, lots of Mexican non-english speaking people, Totti, Ela, Food. We had a quick bite to eat and then spent the last hour trying to make our way to our gate. Along the way we had to stop and ask airport staff whether we were heading in the right direction. At one stage, I said to Ela “ok, go ask that lady if we are going the right way”. Ela approaches the lady, a little flustered. She holds out her boarding pass as says “So...”. That’s it! She couldn’t string together a sentence. I lost it and it has been the running joke (by me) since then. That is all.


So after finally making it to our gate, we got to board the flight. So much for not getting a cavity search – Totti ended up getting frisked at Mexico City airport – much to Ela’s amusement :p And so finally, after a long day of travelling, we arrived to a hot and muggy Cancun. We caught our shuttle back to our resort and went straight to dinner. When our meals arrived we were promptly asked by the middle aged Mexican waiter “would you like some marijuana?” - it turns out he was serious, as he proceeded to ask us for our room number :p We politely declined, but found it equally hilarious. So after dinner we decided to go for a nice walk along the beach......which turned into an effing hike, as we got lost and couldn’t find the correct entry point back into our hotel. Fail. We ended up like three hotels away, and had to walk back along the main street in the dark with seedy people watching us as we walked by.


Day 17:


After a nice sleep in we eased into the day – much to Totti’s delight, the pool area provided the guests with “pods” – basically just a wicker sphere complete with pillows and mattresses for people to lie in. Totti envisaged spending her day within the safety of the pods – for some reason birds just seem to like her a little too much – it’s actually rather entertaining. Ela feels it’s because totti holds a resemblance to our winged friends, totti just maintains that they hate her. In a nutshell; birds just like to swoop/peck and/or chase her when ever they can. LOL. That is all. They generally strike when she least expects it – I’m not the only one to witness this strange yet hilarious phenomenon. In Monterrey, Michael didn’t believe that birds reacted this way to Kate, until he witnessed a pigeon take aim and dive bomb totti in the middle on St.Lucia. Priceless. ANYWAY – so the birds hate Totti.


We spent the rest of the day in the pool – Totti disturbed the romantic ambiance by bombing into the pool. The happy couples were not impressed, Totti how ever was well chuffed. Ela then tried to teach Totti how to float on her back. Yeah. No. It was pretty much like watching a pebble sink to the bottom of the pool. She just can’t do it. How ever after many failed attempts I think we managed to get some float time happening.


We went to the mall. We didn’t buy anything. We left the mall. That is all. We are small. We went to the Tequila store. We rode a donkey. We wore sombreros. This doesn’t rhyme any more. We left the store. That’s all there is, there isn’t any more.


Upon our return from our highly successful mall trip – Totti was greeted by the cheeky doorman “Hola Miss Walker”. WTF?! Ela was like “WTF dude, Miss Waker?”. Totti replied “Hello”. What ever – she loved it.


We ate dinner. We went to bed. Totti farted. That is all.


Day 18:


Xcaret!!


Today we ventured off to Xcaret. Xcaret is a giant nature park with lots of wildlife (Jaguars, Flamingos, Sharks, Turtles, Dolphins...you get the picture), Mayan ruins, a long river which runs through caves and much more.


We were greeted in the morning by our tour guide Alfredo. He was rather entertaining. We were the only English speaking people in our tour and he was very good with the translation which was handy! Too our amusement, our driver (name unknown) was busting moves to some gangsta hits on the trip out to Xcaret. Ela and I lost it when Eminem’s slim shady started pumping through the speakers. The driver was definitely in the zone...nothing could stop him...so we joined in and started busting our own moves to this great song!


Finally arrived at Xcaret...wow! It was huge. We headed straight for the river swim because it was effing hot. We got our locker, our towels, our pretty life jackets and off we went. We were pretty buggered after the first kilometre, we had another 20km to go! It was very refreshing. We went through about 3 caves, Ela got scared so swam faster through the caves. 3 hours later, we got out of the river and dropped off our snorkel gear and showered.


Next stop....all you can eat buffet, literally. It was so hot by this time we retired to the buffet to try and relieve ourselves from drowning in our own sweat. The buffet was HUGE. There were about 10 food stands with everything you could imagine: roasts, seafood, sushi, pasta, pizza, salad, fruit, dessert, burritos, tacos, cheeses, ice cream...We went crazy and piled up our plates like we hadn’t eaten in 3 weeks. My lord...we ate. We rolled back to our tables with our 4th plate of dessert to be entertained with some soft animal porn. Our table had direct view of the Jaguars – we witness the black jaguar try to put his moves on the orange jaguar. It was very humerous. He had no game and we watched on as he failed after every attempt.


For drinks, we ordered the Pia Maya. A giant pineapple filled with rum. Because it was so hot, we were pretty much two fat drunk ladies getting our dose of porn. Sick.


2 hours later, we finally dragged our fat bodies away from the food and sat under some trees. I can’t really remember what we were doing but it seemed like a good idea at the time! We then found refuge under a hut on some chairs where we passed out for a couple of hours.


We went to the show. We left the show. We watched the chickens hatch. We found Alfredo. We gassed and steamed up the van. Ela tried to douse the smell with her perfume. Totti blamed Ela for the smell. We laughed. We wrote “you are late” on the van door. We laughed some more. We were pretty delirious by this point as we started the day at 7am and it was 11pm by the time we got back to our resort.


Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....


Day 19:


Slept in. Ela got third degree burns. Totti laughed. We went on a party tour. We got smashed. Totti felt violated on several occasions. We danced on the bar and got free shots. Ela had a shot out of the waitresses cleavage. We did the congo. We drank. We danced.


We went to Congo, Senor Frogs and Coco Bongo. Coco Bongo was amazing. It’s this three storey nightclub with a stage and massive projector screen. They perform shows throughout the night. We saw Troy, Moulin Rouge, Spiderman, Broadway and heaps more. It was very cool.


We caught the seedy bus back to our resort.


Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....fart................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....laugh................zzzzzzzzz......


Day 20:


It was time for us to leave Cancun. We checked out and said goodbye to our Mexican bell-boys.


Hello...miami. We arrived to a hurricane. Not really...it was just a massive storm. We checked into to our dodgy hotel (we were staying at Port Miami because we needed to be on the cruise the next day). We decided to take a wander to find some food. It wasn’t raining at this stage so we thought we’d be fine. We found a chicken place – it was very tasty. It then started pissing down rain. So we swam back to our hotel, completely saturated. We were so keen for a hot shower....oh hell no....no hot water in this hotel. So we sat in our wet clothes like little orphan children. We watched a movie...well Ela watched the movie and I passed out. I woke up and was hungry so we went to Joe’s Cafe and got some popcorn, ice cream , bagel and juice. We fell asleep.


At about 3am...we were woken by some rather loud activity happening in the adjoining room. Now we can’t be certain, but it sounded like they were making a porno. 1 hour later...we were still awake and listening to our neighbour screaming the hotel down. She was clearly enjoying herself. Basically sounded like Maria Sharapova in a porno. Sick.

CRUISE:

Day 21:


We caught a shuttle to Miami Port where we proceeded to check in to Carnival Liberty. We were boarding a 1100 tonne cruise ship which is currently home to 1000 crew. The cruise is bound for the Western Carribean...yeah, you heard.


Once we boarded it was straight to the food! We ate a stinky hot dog and some nuggets. We hadn’t showered in a couple of days so we were pretty keen for that, however our luggage took a while to arrive so we wandered around trying to familiarise ourselves with the 11 storey ship.


Finally our luggage, a shower and a massive dinner. Our lives were complete.


We decided to make our way to the theatre to see the welcome aboard show. Our cruise director Butch called some gentlemen on stage, a newlywed Richard, Dale, married 25 years, and old George, bless his soul, who’d been married 60 years. Butch made them have a dance contest – Richard the newlywed, had to have rhythm based on principal, he was bleck, if he couldn’t dance, that would be a fail. So he had some moves. Dale was a super sized Texan. Fail. Enough said. Up until this point, George had been relatively subdued, so with some audience encouragement, he made his way gingerly to the front of the stage. Once the beat started pumping, George got moving, and much to everyone’s great amusement, he proceeded to strip. Not all the way of course, just a flash, but it was by far the most hilarious and genuine attempt – he was 60, he didn’t have to try and impress anyone. What a legend. The crowd gave him a standing ovation, and well deserved. And so on that happy note, we retired to our cabins and passed out.


Day 22:


First day at sea. We got room service for breakfast in bed. Then it was up to floor 11 for some pampering. We both got the Travellers Tension massage which was treatment of the head, neck, shoulders and feet. So nice. We then both got our hair coloured and cut. Ah...it felt...so nice.


We then went to floor 9 for some lunch. We had vegetable stir-fry. Far out...it was so tasty. We then proceeded to sit at the pool bar and watch 3498 people try and fit in the pool. We were approached by 2 young fellows, Justin and Joe. They asked us to dinner, which we politely accepted. Joe was very drunk and disorderly but rather entertaining. Did Justin mention he was single, a personal trainer, a lifeguard and awesome? Ahh....it was going to be a LONG dinner.


Totti out stunk stink. I never thought it was possible – but she out stank herself. Far out. She needed an exorcism of the ass. She literally almost farted me to death – it was like being in the effing holocaust. Peeeee-eeeewww!!!! I decided I needed some FRESH SEA AIR.


So we got ready for dinner...I thought it was going to be a dead end evening – but it was salvaged by totti. When Justin finished telling us his ambitions of becoming an underwear model for the tenth time in a row – he also mentioned he had a mole removed.......why...why oh why.. Totti “sooooo....did you chop it off....cut it up......and make some....GUACA-MOL—EEE” Oh dear. And that’s how the night ended.


We then made our way to the adult comedy show – Too funny. Joke of the night: The comedian (Phat Cat) was discussing the finer points of the song that goes a little something like


“my neck, my back....” we think you know it :p His mamma said “That girl is Nas-ty!!” he asked his mum “why?” she replied “ well if she’s asking you to lick her from her back to her front she’s going to get a yeast infection..... You gunna wake up with a loaf of bread on your face” we lost it – too funny. So wrong. Lol.


Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Day 23:


Cozumel. We had breakfast in bed and then we got off the ship to explore the island of Cozumel, Mexico. We caught the taxi to town and had a look at the local stores, and once we finished there we made our way to Playa Del Maya – a beach park with kayaks, jet skis, snorkelling, pools, trampoline, a giant inflatable mountain in the middle of the water, open bar, floating mattresses. Ahhh. So we had a nice relaxing day at the beach, went out on the kayak, got a floating mattress, Ela got more burnt, we ate some chicken, drank some daiquiris, that’s pretty much it!!!


Once back on the ship we showered and watched a movie, did some laundry, went to dinner and came back to our cabins and passed out.


Day 24:


After a sleep in, we had a pretty lazy day – sun baked. Ate. Ate.....ate....ate....Bummed. Snoozed. Then we decided to go and watch Butch’s Game of Love. As corny as it sounded, there was nothing better to do, so we thought we’d have nothing to lose. We were glad we attended – I don’t think either of us had laughed that hard in a VERY long while.


Three couples were called up on stage – newlyweds, a couple that had been married for roughly 26 years and then some old timers. So they were seated back to back on the stage and were handed a pen and paper each. At first they were asked a series on questions related to their time as a married couple; bad habits, first time they met, best sex they ever had, etc etc. Both partners had to answer and then the answers were read out loud to the audience . The most anticipated answers came when the couples were asked to describe their sex life in relation to a movie title. The newlywed husband answered “free willy”. The wife from the 26 year marriage answered “Gone in 60 seconds” – her husband came up with “Journey to the centre of the earth” Oh how we laughed. But the best answer came from the elderly couple, the wife’s answer was “Finding Nemo” and her husband stole the show with “Deep Throat” Everyone in the theatre literally wet themselves. He was a cheeky bugger.


Day 25:


Grand Cayman. Well –it was pretty much an island paradise. We spent the entire day swimming and walking along the beach, and we took a tour which took us to some dolphins, the Tortuga Rum factory and to a place called ‘Hell’ – it’s a bunch of creepy rock formations. Lol. Go figure. A pretty cruisy day all round.


When we got back on the ship, we showered and had an afternoon nap. After dinner we went to see the hypnosis show – it was pretty cool – some of the stuff he had the audience do was very entertaining, but we were more excited for the R rated version the next night....


Day 26:


Ocho Rios – Jamaica.


Needless to say – this has been the most anticipated stop for us on this entire cruise. We had one main objective – get someone to say “Yu Mun”. That didn’t take long at all :p Neither did getting offered some local ganja. We literally walked off the boat and through the port gates, when two men were quick to stop us and offer. We decided we’d count the amount of times we were offered some hash, and I think over the course of the entire day it totalled to about 7.


So we proceeded down the main street – Jamaica is beautiful, the island is green and is pretty much rainforest. There isn’t really a middle class – so the main city area is a riot of markets and cars and people. The mountains are where the rich people live.Their main productivity comes from coffee, aluminium and sugar. We were stopped by an older Jamaican man, nick named “Spicy” – he was good value, he persuaded us into letting him be our tour guide – Ela obliged hesitantly, as she maintained that he would take us into some deserted patch of jungle and kill us, chop us into small bits and then use our organs for some random voodoo ritual. Therefore she would never be able to fulfil her life’s ambitions, whatever they may be, and that her tortured soul would then plague Totti for the rest of her days.


As it turned out, he was a good egg – we drove up into the rainforest, it was stunning – along the way there were little stalls decked out with bright cloths and locally made trinkets and the usual touristy stuff.


The roads continued to wind, along the roadside the small houses were dilapidated but still home to some of the poorer Jamaican community – but despite their living conditions their spirit was never broken – we stopped and had the privilege of meeting a very lovely Jamaican woman by the name of June. She showed us some local herbs which smelled amazing, then we bought some t-shirts and bracelets and Totti’s salesman friend kindly offered to roll us a blunt. Lol. It was humid and the mozzies made a meal of us – but June was awesome, Ela was chuffed when she was told “I like your style, sista” (In a cool Jamaican accent).


From there we took a short drive into the countryside and then to Spicey’s home town – where we stopped at his local bar and had some Jamaican made rum and pepsi. Sooooo..Our day became interesting :p well relaxed, we made our way back down the mountain, and took a photo next to the waterfalls. Upon exiting the photo area – Spicy found us some super sexy Jamaican street cop boys, Kirk and Dwayne, who basically became our escorts for the day. We stopped at a bar where Ela was promptly made some Ganja tea and some old guy offered her Cocaine lol. More than content with the Ganja tea and a few more rums, the day became pretty amusing.


We spent the day wondering the streets and made inappropriate small talk with our escorts – entertained some local shop keepers with our amazing dance moves – they said they liked us anyway, and I suppose it was kind of true, since they topped up Ela’s ganja tea and also cause they said “we like you guys” – again, some old dude stoned off his chops offered us some ganja over the counter. LOL.


So – our escorts were pretty much ready to commit to marriage by this stage. We spent the rest of the day at a bar. We got them wasted and just drank away the afternoon, later joined by our crazy driver Spicy – we ended up having a pretty awesome day.


By the time we got back to our cabin we were pretty well off our chops – mind you it was only about 2pm. Sigh.


So after a couple of hours of trying to unsuccessfully play cards and well...not doing much at all lol. We showered and got ready for an early dinner. We bummed around and made it to the midnight hypnosis show.


The audience was asked to do some pretty hilarious stuff – like hallucinate that the host was starkers on stage, he asked the women to picture him with a huge wang, and some of the reactions were priceless. Most of the women recoiled in disgust, except for one African American woman whom sat back and soaked in the view with a most satisfied look on her face which plainly stated


“Dayyyuuum”. LOL. He also asked the women to simulate earth shattering orgasms and he asked the men to pretend that they were world class porn stars, with one objective: have sex with an inanimate chair (who in theory was a smokin’ hot woman). Wow. Lol. Some of the younger men opted for an errrmm...rougher approach, all usually coming from behind. One guy had the audience in stitches, he went down on the chair, yes, he went down on a chair. This one latino man put them all to shame, he had some moves. So overall it was worth staying up till midnight for.


Day 27:


Our last day at sea. We woke up at 12 and had lunch. We then went along to the towel animal making session. Random, yes, but every night when we come back to our rooms, there has been a little towel animal waiting on our bed for us. It’s rather cute. So we went and learned how to make an elephant and a dog.


Then we went back to our cabin and spent some time informing you all of our amazing adventures while writing this blog. Tonight we don’t have much planned, as we dock back in Miami tomorrow at 7.30am. So tonight we are going to watch the opening ceremony of the world cup and just relax.


It’s been a fantastic week – very relaxing, lots of good food, good fun and interesting people. The cruise staff has been brilliant and everything we’ve wanted or needed has been readily available to us. It’s so worth it and anyone thinking of doing a cruise – two thumbs up, you won’t regret it.


So for now we leave you, as we head to Miami for some more fun in the sun, a day at universal studios and South Beach. Ya Mun.


Say hi to your dad for us,


Kate and Ela xx